I had what I believe was tonsillitis all last week. It hurt like hell. I could barely eat or sleep for three days because my throat was so swollen and sore, and covered in disgusting abscess...I couldn't even swallow my own spit. I filled 3 or 4 bowls with this really neat saliva/phlegm/puss liquid, (disgusting, but I wish I'd taken pictures! They were BEAUTIFUL).

For some reason when I visualized a girl's face in the dark illuminated by a triangle of light in front of her, and the number 20 underneath I was able to swallow easier. I have no idea why? If anyone has any idea I'd like to know.

Towards the end I was so dehydrated and hungry and tired and feverish that I started getting delusional. I was completely convinced I was going to die. I kept hallucinating, seeing horrible monsters creeping out of the shadows. I had an amazing not-dream which made everything look like it was made of tiny color-changing globs. I could hear a billion voices and a sort of static buzz. The feeling was indescribable, and it was almost too intense to bear.

But since I got better I've been on this amazing high, just being extremely happy to be alive and well and to eat without convulsing in pain. I feel so good now I'm almost glad I got sick in the first place.

I read an article about a theory a couple months ago, and it really got my brain buzzin'. Some scientists theorize that the universe is not made of tiny particles, but rather made of strings. Tiny vibrating strings. I don't believe or disbelieve it, but the more I think about it, the more I see strings, everywhere. Events, time, lifelines, DNA, digestive systems, veins, and the thought process in itself goes through a string of thoughts. And snakes, and worms, and fingers, strands of hair, all things that are highly symbolic to me.

And I've been letting this theory diffuse throughout my brain for a while, until I almost forgot about it, until one night I get in sort of a trance and begin drawing these tubes. And I can't stop drawing them. And without realizing it I spent 3 hours, (without moving anything at all but my hand), with a blue ballpoint pen and a notebook drawing these striped tubes.

Something I scrawled down that night, 3/10/08:
Lifelines run in and out of this world, being woven into an emaculate web, and while passing some people, or running along with them, I know we are connected. I think of all our past, present, and future selves as a single string being threaded in and out and in and out of a sphere, getting tangled, knotted, braided. I wonder, what are we making? What will we be when our sphere is full?

I think these strings are just existance in itself. Coils of time and space. Strands of God's DNA. They are strung into an infinately large harp on which the song of life is played.

COMISSION INFO: [link]

- old stuff

- old stuff

Last night I was absolutely sure if I concentrated hard enough, I could change my own molecular structure, that I could will my electrons to change their patterns and transform my physical self into pure energy, I saw a third eye shooting out a beam of heavy white light out of my forehead, my insides dissolving into the pupil like it was a black hole, like a one-sided quesar, until all that was left was a shell. I hovered outside my skin for a moment, then went back in and fell asleep. Usually these visions terrify me, but this time it was a really blissful feeling, like I wasn't more sure of anything else in the world. Then I dremt of escaping an enormous Japanese mall built out of steel, where I gave some hobo a blowjob, then took the bus as far north as it would go, and let myself get lost.




- old stuff